Lt. Lambaste on The Future of the Pretentitron

Dear Chris Brecheen,

I cannot continue to work under these circumstances.  I was wrapping up a session with a NaNo writer clone named Erika, who was telling me all about how she was now a novelist and would be sending her book to Bantam Books on Nov 2, after she "gave it a quick polish."  She even figured her idea was so amazing that they would assign her an editor so there was no need to do more than a cursory check for big grammar mistakes, and that she would be making money in time to use royalties for holiday shopping.  I asked her about the NaNo website's warning that revision is needed, and she said that she got an A on the last paper she write right before the deadline, so she would give it that quick polish, but she knew it was a great novel.

I mean, it was perfect.

Then I went to shoot her with the ubercanon, but the damned thing didn't work.  I pulled the trigger, but no boom.   Then "Evil Chris" showed up wearing some goofy-ass half mask, jumps THROUGH a mirror on the far wall (seriously, he somehow went through the mirror), and grabs Erika.

He told me these people were real people.  I could call ideas and behaviors pretentious, but if I continued to try to point at actual people, a disaster beyond my imagination would occur.  Then there was a puff of smoke, and he totally disappeared.

How am I supposed to run my segment if a'The Phantom of W.A.W." is going to show up and sabotage my gun and steal my clones?  This has to be dealt with!

-Lt. Lambaste



Lt. Lambaste,

Weren't you the one who decided to clone me?  Wasn't the decision to clone someone who knew about the Pretentitron directly responsible for his escape?  Don't we now face the existential crisis of a moral conundrum surrounding killing clones for their pretentiousness because YOU decided to clone an actual person and it got away, and now we know it has a life and feelings and ambitions?  What once was a cute joke that no one really thought of has revealed itself to be morally....well, I would use the word questionable, but it really kind of goes beyond that, doesn't it.

I am unwilling to let you go because the Pretentitron has helped so much in the war efforts against the genocidal cephalopods.  Also because you can kill me in twenty different ways with just the stuff sitting around my office.  So I'd rather work with you to come up with a successful segment than risk an ariel strike.

I think perhaps my evil twin may have a point.  Pointing at pretentious ideas and laughing is practically required when it comes to writing (for there are so many that writers seem blind to).  But that seems a little different than actually cloning pretentious people and killing them.  Maybe this wasn't...in a manner of speaking...our most spectacular idea ever.

Why don't you switch with Guy Goodman St.White during December.  That gives you five weeks to come up something that isn't quite so....murderous.

Also....after the last major attack from genocidal cephalopods, there were a lot of their super-sciency weapons we were able to commandeer.  We gave some to R&D of course, but I've also given some of them to the A Team to practice with.  However, they still haven't gotten any better at hitting anything....unless of course that thing is the side of a wall and they are spelling out their name in bullets.    

If it's not a black wall....nothing.

Do you think maybe you can spend some time trying to teach them how to shoot?

-Chris

Guest Blogger L.Avjean- Writing Survival Characters: An Undeadly Epiphany

[Today it is my pleasure and honor to introduce my first guest blogger who doesn't take up residence in my own head.  Lauren Avjean has written about her experiences with Run For Your Lives 5k.  In addition to a wonderful insight into the ever growing and wildly popular zombie genre, she also shares some insights about Live Action Role Playing (LARPs), which I have written about in the past being a wonderful study in character in Six Ways LARPing at Dun Dra Con Made Me a Better Writer.  If you've ever read a Stephen King novel, or any well-written horror, you know that the actions of the people usually end up being as bad or worse than any of the monsters.  Lauren's article is a good study into the mindset of survival and can bring life to those characters for anyone considering writing survivalist fiction, horror, or especially about zombies.  Because not all these feelings will be warm and fuzzy or about saving the love interest....]


Writing Survival Characters: An Undeadly Epiphany       
by Lauren Avjean
   
The Conundrum  

Whether or not to hit on a zombie in a short schoolgirl skirt is NOT the Conundrum.  

I’ve recently been trying to determine why we as a geek community are so enthralled (heh) by zombies and the thought of the coming zombie apocalypse.  It’s kind of like the bacon syndrome, where everything zombie related has suddenly become as revered as those crispy strips of pig.  Not that I’m necessarily complaining, I’m just struggling to understand how the popularity of the undead rose so quickly to where it is today.  Between video games, movies, T.V. shows, graphic novels, how-to-survive books, “break glass in case of,” and even plushies, zombies have become an integral part of our day to day lives.  But is that a good thing?  Has that desensitized us to the horrors that the rising dead actually bring?

The realization that we as a populace are so desensitized to the real terror of the undead got me thinking about how we would actually act were a zombie outbreak to happen.  But what tools short of hiring a mad scientist to release the Z-virus in a controlled environment and seeing the results do I have?   As an avid LARP (Live Action Role Playing) writer I would typically take this conundrum, draft up some characters, stick them in an outbreak area, and let them loose to see what the players do.  The only problem with this plan is that 1) my next opportunity to run a LARP is in February, and 2) I’m too impatient.

The Race

That’s when I had the marvelous opportunity to participate in the Run For Your Lives 5k Zombie Infested Obstacle Course Race in Temecula, CA at the end of October.  Not only was it that magical time leading up to Halloween where everyone is in full-on zombie mode, but it gave a real opportunity to run from zombies in the hills of California.  I had seen pictures of previous races and fully anticipated (as the event title suggests) running for my life, but I was not prepared for the basic human instincts that it brought out in the runners.  This rare insight into the human psyche will undoubtedly be an invaluable tool in future writings and all I can do, short of sticking you in a similar situation, is recount some of my experience with it.

See Lauren run.
Run Lauren run!

Upon arrival the event itself had a huge festival feel with camping in one area, a stage in another, food, the ever important beer garden, and off in the corner was the start of the course.  With costumes and revelry all about it was hard to believe that this could be turned into a zombie infested obstacle course that instilled fear into the hearts of its runners!  After fueling up at the beer garden I started donning the items that were in my race bag.  Race bib: check.  Timing chip: check. Flag belt: check.  Wait, flags you ask?  That’s right; during the whole race the zombies on the course try and grab your health flags.  If you cross the finish line with at least one flag, you’re good to go and in the clear.  Lose your flags?  Well you have that wonderful Z-virus incubating inside of you and will turn into one of the flesh eating monsters that you just spent 3.1 miles running from!

The Course

Unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances instead of running with a team I made my way to the start line by my lonesome to face down the zombies on my own.  Sure it was a little nerve wracking, but seeing all of the costumes and lightheartedness heading to the start corrals was reassuring.  There were three start corrals: Appetizer, Entrée, and Dessert.  My first survival decision was to throw in with the Entrée lot so that I was neither leading the charge nor was I lagging towards the end like a wounded wildebeest.  You could almost feel the adrenaline permeating the air as the race officials turned on the fog machines and began the countdown.  When they threw aside the gates that had us corralled in, our meal group shot out to the course only to find… a giant hill.

I have to say I was a little disappointed that the first quarter mile was entirely uphill and would have tried jogging it except that I was utilizing my next survival tactic: I had heard that at the top of the hill there was a horde of zombies and decided to conserve my strength.  Halfway up the hill the dynamic of the runners also changed dramatically.  We were no longer close enough to the event site to hear the music or the people.  It was quite literally as quiet as the back hills of California during a zombie apocalypse.

The LARP

That’s when I realized that I was no longer just running in a race, I was immersing myself in a LARP of sorts where I could truly connect with other characters and discover the motivations of both the runners as well as myself on a basic instinct level (no, not the movie).  As I came to this realization I heard the first of the screams.  Our group had reached the first group of zombies so what did I instinctively do?  Position myself in the very center of a group of people.  Well, it worked, but in the process I got a true sense of what it is like to group up with a bunch of strangers to outrun flesh eating undead.  The zombies were so good it was hard to think of them as people, and that was the point!  Incredible makeup and acting made us feel the urgency of moving as quickly as possible to get past them with our brains intact.

The race quickly devolved from a timed 5k obstacle course to a basic walk/sprint survival course where the strength was in numbers, and cooperation (or sacrifice) was the key.  Maybe it was easier for me to position myself in the pack so that other people ended up as zombie bait because I didn’t know them?  That’s what I’d like to think, but I’ll never know for sure unless the apocalypse comes or I run it again with friends.  This insight into my survival mode made me reflect on how easy it would be for the characters that we write to do the same.

The Epiphany

There are some key moments throughout the course that really shed light onto what I would to survive, and how quickly morals I would have on a day-to-day basis disappeared.  I was in full survival mode, and a good number of runners lost their flags in situations where I did not.  Strangely though, I felt validated that my tactics had worked whereas theirs hadn’t.   I’ll highlight a couple of other instances where I sacrificed other runners while during a normal day would do anything I could to help them:

1)      The maze: I was the first to reach a maze in the course and realized immediately that it would be a bad idea to go in first.  Did I group up and strategize with a group of people to ensure maximum survival?  No.  Did I communicate my concern so that no one else would run blindly in?  No.  What did I do?  I stood by the entrance quietly until someone else ran in first and then went in behind them.  It paid off though: they lost a flag and I didn’t!

   

             No, you guys go ahead.  I'll guard humanity's rear.            

2)      Drafting:  this was actually pointed out to me by a spectator.  I didn’t realize at the time what I was doing but I would allegedly slow down before a group of zombies to allow other runners to pull them off to one side and then dart past the undead while they were chasing down the poor runner(s) who ran out first.  Apparently I used this tactic on the same person multiple times and they were giving me nasty looks by the end of the course.

3)      Winner takes all: this was perhaps the worst of everything I did, looking back.  During one of the walking stretches where there were no zombies and no obstacles, I began chatting it up with a group of runners who had all come as a group.  One of the girls had mentioned that she was just finishing the race for fun because she had lost all of her flags.  I had two left.  Moments after she had spoken a course official began driving by on a golf cart with holding out an extra flag for anyone to grab.  Why wasn’t anyone grabbing it?  I darted over and snatched it from him and briefly considered giving it to the poor girl who had been infected during the race. I briefly considered it silently right up until I tied it to my belt where my one missing flag had been, bringing my count back up to three.  Neither of us said anything about it and I finished the race uninfected.



The Point

Seeing these actions not only in myself, but also in other runners made me reevaluate basic human instinct and what it really means to be a survivor.  It gave me new insight into the entire zombie craze as well as into the psyche of humans under the pressure of a threat to their lives.  It’s incredible how quickly one’s morals can dissolve and as well as how quickly people can throw each other to the wolves, or in this case the undead, to protect themselves.

"I don't have to run faster than the zombies.  I only have to run faster than you."

Maybe the current desensitization is a good thing in the sense that our survival instincts won’t be stifled by initial terror with the onset of the coming zombie apocalypse.  Or maybe it just makes us throw our fellow man to the zombie creeping up on you like your Player Two that left to go grab a beer.  What I can tell you is that the insight that this race has provided me is inspirational gold when it comes to character creation, development, and situational motivations.  If you get the chance to run in a race like this I highly recommend it, even if you’re not a runner.  If you can’t get that chance, I hope that I’ve helped any moral/motivational questions or concerns by sharing my as-close-to-real-life-as-it-gets zombie experience.  Who knows, the Mayan Calendar says that since December 22 is right around the corner maybe we’ll get to find out first hand after all…

[If you would like to guest-blog for Writing About Writing, then W.A.W. wants you!  Check out what few limitations there are and contact Chris Brecheen at chris.brecheen@gmail.com]

Giving a Big Hand for Adam Licsko's Latest Project

You’ve got to hand it to the guy.  When Adam Licsko isn’t painting amazing landscapes or socially poignant subject matter he doesn’t let his hands get idle.  Sometimes he writes hilarious and witty coffee books about masturbation like Kama Sutra For One: A Handy Self Help Guide.  He's also been keeping his hands full with his new blog of the same name.

Oh dear!  Have I shocked, perhaps even offended you with my brazen open discussion of the M word?  Then Adam’s “extensive (extensive) first hand knowledge” is exactly what you need.  I know the uncensored subject matter and illustrations (non-explicit; just hilarious) of Sticksy the stick figure can make the more priggish want to wash their hands of the whole affair, but rest assured that illustrations of Sticksy demonstrating “The Muse” or “The Violinist” are definitely good for a chortle or three. I promise that if you give this book a shot, you will be in very good hands.

If you really wanted to, you could work to extract the deep social meaning in KSFO.  You could talk about art and the artist’s role in examining and questioning the social conventions of our culture.  You could ponder the tendency of art to confront the socially taboo, and how KFSO does this with a pink elephant...holding a battering ram....tied to a wrecking ball.  You could consider how the most effective form of social commentary is, and has always been, couched in comedy, and how we are far more receptive to question our own presumptions when we are laughing.   You could talk about how a sex-positive book about self-love might break the ice on a touchy subject more comfortably than that regular old Kama Sutra book with its depraved pictures of coupling that aren't stick figures...or funny.

On the other hand, it might seem a little heavy handed to try and analyze KSFO as major social commentary of our day.  You may just appreciate having a damned funny book about wanking off with techniques like “Secret Service” or “Pleasure Cubed.” However, what I can say is that it is, hands down, one of the most hilarious books I’ve read in my life, and if somewhere along the line, a reader questions our culture’s particular Victorian-throwback prudishness about pleasure and self gratification, that’s okay too. It’s always nice to learn not to bite the hand that feels you.

KSFO is available on Kindle via Amazon.

The A to Zen of a Writer's Life

A while back I saw a poster called the "A to Zen of Life."  It had "Dali Lama" written across it in cursive so I know it was totally legit. Of course none of them were about writing, so I had to come up with my own list.

Avoid negative people and habits, but don't confuse those who make you feel bad about negative habits for negative people, for those who call shenanigans on your shenanigans are more valuable than gold.

Believe in yourself.  But don't fall to pretentiousness or hubris.  But believe in yourself.  But don't fall to pretentiousness or hubris.  But believe in yourself....

Consider things from every angle.  Your characters can't all be you.

Don't give up.  Don't give in.  Don't stop.

Empathy goes beyond intellectual understanding.  You must have both.

Fail.  Fail again.  Fail better!  Life is not defined by your successes.  It is defined by how you cope with your failures.

Give everything you have to everything you write.  Don't hold back.  The well of creativity isn't a finite resource to be rationed.  The more you use it, the fuller it becomes.

Hang on to your dreams.

If opportunity doesn't knock, create a door.  Create that door like Giles did in Buffy the Vampire Slayer if you must  ....with a chainsaw.

Just keep writing.  Just keep writing.  Just keep writing writing writing.  What do we do? We write write.

Keep going no matter how long and hard the road seems.  Something wonderful might be just around the next bend.

Learn your craft.  You're never too good to be better.

Make it happen.

Never cheat.  Steal, of course, for that's what artists do.  Lie, certainly, as long as your lies tell the truth.  But never cheat.

Open your arms to opportunities, but don't become so enamored with writing for a living that you forget the kind of writing you want to be doing.

Practice makes perfect.  Though in the words of Hemingway: We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.

Quality over quantity in everything you put out in the world.

Read! Revise! Read! Revise! These two parts of a writer's life can't be underscored enough.

Stop procrastinating.

Take criticism well....and all that that implies.

Understand as much as you possibly can of the world, but do not satisfy yourself with a simple intellectual grasp.

Visualize exactly what success looks like to you with as much concrete detail as possible.  It is impossible to hit a target that you cannot see.

When you meet with triumph or disaster, treat those two impostors just the same.

X words are hard to weave into motivational messages.  Make a bad pun if you ever do a list like this, like: "Xcellence in all you write to be read."

Your ideas are not completely unique, but you are.  You will bring that which is uniquely you to your projects.  Don't be deliberately derivative, but don't worry so much about originality that you paralyze yourself.  It's all been done before. But not by YOU.

Zero in on what you really want and what really makes you happy.  You may find that a rewarding and fulfilling hobby along with a real paycheck will make you happier person than struggling as an artist.  That's okay.  Do what makes you smile.  Chase your bliss.

15 Things To Remember About NaNoWriMo if You Ignore the Advice and Do It Anyway

Hello everyone.  "Evil" Chris here.   I figured I'd give Chris a break and hack the signal when he's not doing anything important.  Right now he's weeping into a pillow, so...probably as good a time as any.

I'm at 8532 words by the way!  Not too shabby for day three.  But I didn't come here to brag.  I came here to talk about NaNo.

Even though my less evil counterpart makes some compelling points about NaNo, and even though he really does just want people around him not to burn themselves out like folks who go on an 800 calorie diet, his highly conditional appreciation for the good parts of NaNo might not be winning him throngs of Nano friends.  Because of his constant fear that he is not making his tale cautionary enough to save some talented, enthusiastic young writer from feeling like a loser, sometimes his approach isn't the most popular among those who actually know and love NaNo.  Most of his (and I say "his" even though I should say "OUR") friends tend to have a friendly, jocular relationship about the whole thing, but every once in a while someone gets pretty upset that if he's not going to grab pom-poms and a big foam glove #1 glove that he should just sit in the corner and keep his nasty nuanced opinions to himself.  Anyway, he's upstairs crying into a pillow because someone called him a troll or something.  I'd call him a touchy little priss, but....well, he's me, so I'd probably do it too....although I'd do it evilly.  I'm also feeling a real no-one-picks-on-my-good-clone-but-me feeling and I really I hope I can sit down and eat sardines or something until it passes.

Anyway, I figured maybe if you were already walking this path, you'd like some slightly more inspirational thoughts on the subject.

1- First of all good luck.  This is no easy task, and there is a reason the completion rate is just south of twenty percent. It has broken greater writers than you beneath it's spurious heel. You should almost be saying to the great writing muse deity, "We who are about to die, salute you!"  I know a lot of factors go into a win, so may the metaphorical wind be at your back. May family members not breeze into town early or stay late, may the cat not need emergency vet care, may no really nasty midterms be scheduled, and may your boss never ask you to stay late. Godspeed NaNo writers!

2- 1667 is the magic number.  You need to write this daily. Seriously. Don't fuck around with that "I'll write more tomorrow" crap. That's a downward spiral that ends in too many mint juleps and a bag of Kettle chips as big as you (but still not big enough to get the taste of shame out of your mouth). Daily writing is the key to creative flow anyway.  Might as well start here.  If you do have to go into "debt," write as much as you can, and don't just skip the whole day.  That's bad, bad news and it adds up much, much faster than you think. You can do a little bit of catch up on the weekends and you can assume you're going to be pounding keys like bullets in a Rambo movie during the four-day weekend, but if you don't take a big chunk daily, you're probably going to fall too far behind to reasonably catch up.

I can average about 1000-1250 words an hour at the "just write/freewrite" pace, but I've been doing this for twenty-five years.  For most newer writers, it's more like 500-750 words per hour (average). That means you're probably looking at about three hours a day. At least. So if you don't write most of that daily allotment, you will very quickly be looking at 10-12 hours of catchup each weekend. That's probably more than most people can deal with, and I'm sure you have some other things that need doing.  Same goes for that holiday. If you're a couple thousand words in debt when your triptophan coma kicks in, no problem. If you're twenty thousand words behind, you'd have to put in a pair of 15-20+ hour days to finish up. Not gonna happen.

3- If you win, feel awesome.  Pop some champagne. Take your partner to bed (or yourself if that's not an viable or attractive option.)  Ride that euphoric wave and enjoy it.  You've earned it. That feeling...right there...that's why artists do what they do. It's just about the best thing in the world, and you deserve every serotonin and dopamine dripping second of it!

4- However, if you do not finish, you are not allowed to feel like a loser.  This is one fucked ass event, and not winning ISN'T losing.  You are not allowed to question your worth or ability as a writer.  You are not allowed to give up.  You are only allowed to say "maybe I bit off more than I could chew, and I should try it again at a slower pace."  Please.  A bazillion writers have written a gagillion books at a much slower pace than NaNo including Stephen King. Even he says 3 months for a good draft and he wrote Salems Lot while I was punctuating this sentence. Not finishing has nothing to do with your ability.  This is one of the main reasons people like Goody-Two-Shoes Chris don't like this event.  Goals are good.  Writing to finish is good.  But when you turn a really (really) ambitious goal into a contest and slap around words like "winner," it can sting to not succeed.  Don't let it.  Just shrug and keep going.

5- You may simply be a more slow and steady type of writer.  Lots of us are.   The other Chris is. NaNo works really well for some people's creative process, but it's far from the only way to fly.  If you're not the 50,000 words in 30 days type, THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE NOT A WRITER!  It doesn't mean you'll never write a novel.  It just means that a wild month of überchaos is not your cup of Bailey's and hot chocolate.  Find a way that does work and let us freakazoids get our extreme ridic on without you.

6- When it's over, recognize that you just participated in an event where quantity trumps quality, and that is almost the exact opposite of what art usually is (quality over quantity).  If you're serious about whatever you produce from NaNo, your work has only just begun.  There are a lot of other parts to the process.  Give them as much enthusiasm as you give NaNo, and you're cooking with gas.  Don't...and you'll probably just have a draft of something you did once tucked away in your bureau drawer for a long, long time.

7- A lot of writers will get prickly about NaNo for the same reason that quaint New England villages hate being overrun by leaf peepers.  Try to appreciate that they spend all twelve months (not just the one) taking this stuff very seriously, and how it can feel to have an extra half million loud and rowdy people show up who get self-righteously pissed off every time they dare to offer a little perspective that they're probably not writing a straight-to-print masterpiece.  Yes, these writers probably shouldn't be dismissive of an artist who's just doing things in a different way.  They certainly shouldn't be derisive because that's just their ego talking and they're just being unfair.

But at the same time, try to be respectful that you're on their turf and they may know a thing or two about the creative process and how to write successfully that you don't.  They may have seen dozens, hundreds...even thousands of excitable younglings go before you saying exactly the same thing you're saying now about not harshing their squee. They may have even picked up a few bodies on the road, and cursed NaNo for ruining the creativity of someone with genuine talent.

Or maybe that's just me.

Don't be the equivalent of the drunk tourist they find taking a shit in their Jack-o-lantern that gets pissed off at the "townie elitism" when asked to use the public bathrooms in the bus station across the street.  If you show up with a little bit of reverence for writing and for what they go through year round, you'll be welcomed in as one of the club even if you only want a temporary membership card.  These people aren't really elitist.  Most of them are the pariahs.  Anyone who shows some respect will be given it in return.

8- In over a decade of NaNo--millions of participants and hundreds of thousands of winners--only a couple hundred books started during the month have ever seen publication by a major house.  This includes the already-published authors who take part.  Keep what you're doing in perspective.  You have come a long way.  You have a long way yet to go.  Now keep going.

9- If it's not happening, slow down before you burn out.  You probably know someone who did something too much.  I have a friend who used to sign up for 21 units every semester on top of a full time job and a robust social life.  Somewhere around about the fourth or fifth week of the semester he dropped out of school citing that he was just absolutely burned out.  We tried to get him to just drop a few classes, but he was absolutely exhausted and completely burned out. This went on for years, and my friend wasn't any closer to a degree.  Then about three years of this pattern later, my friend dropped down to 12 units during the second week of school because--in his words--"I could tell that if I kept going, I would burn out."  That friend graduated five years later...the simple self-knowledge that if he kept going at that pace, he would completely burn out got him to his goal faster than trying to overdo it.  There's a metaphor in here somewhere.  I'm just certain of it.

10- During NaNo, people might give you crap about NaNo.  You could get all defensive and pissed off at them, but it's better to think of it as practice.  This is just the warm up lap for how mean people will be when they're looking at your craft instead of your process, and this is the kid gloves my friends.  If you're serious about writing, you're going to get criticism your whole life long.  Writing groups won't understand your vision.  Literary critics will tear you a new one.  Even your friends and family will tell you how they read it, and you'll want to argue with them.  You'll want to tell them they read it "wrong" instead of acknowledging that their reading might involve a place where you haven't yet quite succeeded as a writer.

It will be part of your success as a writer (or retreat into bitter misanthropy) to learn to deal with that criticism.  To identify the spirit in which it is offered, give the critic the benefit of the doubt, and even to appreciate the effort that went into giving it.  (Is this meant to tear me down or to warn me about common pitfalls?)  To separate the parts of the criticism that apply to you from the parts that don't.  (If this part is about those who submit their story on Dec 1st, and I don't do that, do I really need to take it personally?) To be willing to accept that not everything you do is without its downsides.  (I acknowledge these things could be problematic, but I want to do it anyway!) And to be willing to incorporate the most sincere and thoughtful criticism rather than blow it off.  (Maybe I should consider continuing to write 500 words a day after Nano since I really want to be a writer.)

I have to learn to smile at someone who says "NaNo produces a lot of crap, and I hope you keep working on Dec 1st," and appreciate that if I just don't take it as a personal attack, it is a cautionary tale and a sincere word of encouragement.  That's actually kind of nice for someone to say when I'm sure it would be easier to just let me ride off the cliff.  If I can't do at least that, then my first non-awesome review is going to cause my face to melt Raiders-Of-The-Lost-Ark style.  Chris is an assbrain, but he really is an assbrain whose worst crime is not wanting to see young writers get ripped off, burn out, submit rough drafts to Random House, or piss off professional authors by calling themselves novelists and clogging up the plumbing of the publishing industry for serious writers.

11- The reason NaNo is so seductive, and the reason it feels so good is because it involves specific, measurable goals and you have people cheering you on.  This can be a lesson, my NaNoing peeps.  It can show you how to get the most out of the Dec-Oct writing season. Set other measurable goals and get yourself some cheerleaders.  It will work just as well then.

12- Do it however you want!  Screw the "rules!"  Write fewer words.  Write non-fiction.  Write on something you've already started.  Write a series of short stories.  Do this however you damned well please.  Anita King is blogging about the SEVERAL ways she has (and encourages other to) tackle the event.  Please remember that if you played life by the rules you wouldn't be writing novels in the course of a month in the first place.

13- Embrace teh suck!  Don't even bother trying to tell people it's better than it is.  Be proud of the fact that it isn't. The whole point of NaNo is that you're going to write unbelievable crap.  You're throwing spaghetti at the wall.  Not all of it is going to stick, and that's really okay!  But that is so much better than sitting in front of the blank page and trying to be perfect.  The shitty first draft is a concept that so few writers really understand--this event celebrates it.  Enjoy!  It may be the only time in your life that you give hundreds of hours to something without worrying about the quality.

14- You can do it.  It's probably about three hours a day.  You might have to skip a movie.  You might have to skip a party.  You might have to turn off the video games.  You might have to go straight from writing a paper for school (or a blog) to your NaNo writing, but you can do it.  You can.  It is within the human capacity.  You got this.  Go forth!

•But there is one place I agree with the assbrain Chris hard and fast:

15- On December first...don't stop writing.

15 Excuses Writers Make (That Aren't Fooling Anyone)

How Normal People Translate The Excuses Writers Think Are Valid

Imagine the scene:

You're at a restaurant with someone making chit chat over breadsticks while you wait for your food.  Maybe it's a date or maybe it's a friend or maybe it's even a family member.  They are asking you about how things are in your world.  Perhaps you just told them you are a writer (or want to be), or maybe they've known for some time. Whatever the case, they're asking you how it's going and what you're working on.

You start explaining to them why you can't really write right now or why things aren't going well.

And you notice something happen...

Their smile starts to...change. It warps along its edges. It becomes incredulous...maybe even a little dubious. It's like the look a mother gives a child who started explaining why they were not doing well in school because the teacher hates them. Eyebrows begin to arch. Their head rotates slightly so they are looking at you sidelong.

Why it's almost like they don't actually believe you!

What the hell is going on here?  These are real reasons.  This is the really real reason you can't write! Why is this person giving you that look. You've talked to your writer friends--maybe even read some writer blogs--and so many writers talk about this stuff.  This stuff is very common in the writing word. All your writer friends pat you on the back, and share your feels. Why doesn't this person believe you?

Your first thought might be that they just don't know what it means to be a writer. Maybe, but it's more likely they know excuses when they see them, and you've actually ponied up one of the famed rationalizations for not writing that no one but writers actually believe. Unfortunately for writers, most non-writers already know how to translate these excuses into what they really mean--that writing is not actually a priority in your life, not really something you're dying to do, not particularly important...even though you're talking about it like it is.  That's why you're getting the "do-you-think-I'm-stupid?" smile.

But fortunately for you, I can tell you what they hear when you make these excuses*.


1- What you say: I don't have time/I'm too busy.

What they hear: Of course I have some time, but writing isn't a priority.  I'm not willing to get up a little early or skip evening TV/video games/online time. That's the stuff in my life that matters. I couldn't possibly stop arguing politics on Facebook. It's not that I can't find an hour in my day, it's that I can't find an hour that I am willing to give up. If I were as busy as I pretend I am (like being a single career mom with no help at all) I wouldn't dream of being a writer; I would dream of taking a nap. If some time fairy comes along and gives me an extra couple of hours so I don't have to carve out my schedule, I'll write, but it doesn't matter enough to me to do it myself.

2- What you say: There's not much money in it.

What they hear: I say I love writing. I say it burns my soul. I say matters to me more than anything else in the whole wide world. But I won't do it for free. I know every art has a period of struggling with making little or no money, but I'm not willing to go through that for writing. Sure, I do lots of things in my life that I don't get paid for: watch TV, play video games, Facebook, or just hang out--heck I even spend money on some things I love, but they bring me pleasure.  I say writing matters, but clearly despite my florid claims, watching TV or video games is more important to me. In fact, even though I fancy myself a writer and like imagining my post-success life as an established author, in order for me to actually write, you would have to pay me. The best things in life are free. Writing isn't one of those things for me.

3-What you say: I support my family financially/I work full time

What they hear: I like sounding responsible when I explain why writing is not a priority because it takes the curse off of what I'm really saying: that writing is not a priority. I'm going to pretend like I work 100 hours a week and only have time to come home and sleep. Please ignore all the leisure time I spend doing other things. I know a lot of people, who worked longer hours than I do, have found a few minutes a day and a couple of hours on weekends to write, but writing is not important to me. It's not important enough to wake up a little early or skip going out after work or pack a sandwich in a bag and work through my lunch break. It's not important enough to talk to my family and have them give me a little chunk of time to write. It's not important enough to tell the boss I can't stay past X o'clock anymore, even if that means I'm probably not going to get that promotion. It's certainly not important enough to find a job with a little more free time--especially that might involve a pay cut. There is no way we could possibly spend less money each month. I totally want to be a writer....as long as I never have to give up anything, ever, to do so.

4- What you say: There's a lot going on in my life right now/I'm too stressed

What they hear: I'm not willing to create the kind of life that supports writing. I'm not willing to advocate for myself or promote a lower stress environment. I have a vague sense that if everything were utopia perfect, and I was under no stress that I would be willing to write, but I won't change my life to get that. Sure much of my stress is due to my own decisions--things I take on or things I'm not willing to give up--but I kind of like having a lot on my plate. It's totally more important to me to play Slappy Spork Warrior Molepeople with the gang on Thursdays. It's important to me to binge watch Breaking Bad and Orange is the New Black and House of Cards and The Killing.  Or maybe I'm not even a frivolous person and it's more important to me to get a PhD or work a second job to buy mutual funds. What ever it is, it's a choice I made, and it's not writing.  Even though being less stressed might be as easy as giving up one craft circle, skipping one party, or taking on one less commitment from the P.T.A., those things matter more to me than writing.

5- What you say: I'm too distracted to write

What they hear: Not only am I not willing to prioritize my world with fewer distractions. I know that I could simply walk away from distractions, but I kind of thrive on them. I'm certainly not willing to insulate myself from the outside world in any way that would make me more resilient to the things that are pretty much constantly going on somewhere, at any given time. I mean life is distracting, so I would have to close a door or turn off a phone or stop checking Facebook or something if I wanted to not be distracted. That shit is just not an option!

6- What you say: I can't get my own space/time to write

What they hear: I'm not willing to work until and unless the environment is perfect. I've heard that writers like their own space and a dedicated time ("a room of one's own"), so I've chosen to ignore all the stories of writers who sit at dining room tables after supper while the family watches TV, work in the living room while their kids are napping, or take a laptop to the laundromat with them. I need everything to be just so before I can consider starting, which should give you some indication how much of a priority writing actually is. I also won't talk to my family or friends to carve out any time or space. No trade off babysitting. No sticking a desk in the corner of the living room and declaring the hour from 6-7 to be "Leave mommy/daddy alone time." I don't like writing enough to try to come up with innovative solutions to these problems. Makes a fine sounding excuse though, right? Right? RIGHT?

7- What you say:  I'm taking a break/I'll write later

What they hear: Writing is not a skill I take seriously, and I also consider it a burden. It's neither something I do for pleasure, nor something I consider to be a worthy of daily practice even if I'm not completely in the mood. Despite the fact that any skill decays if unpracticed, despite the fact that performance artists go to rehearsals and even performances when they're not 100% in the mood, and despite the fact most artists describe anxiety and depression when they don't do their art, I think that I can not actually write for weeks, months, even years at a time but still identify as a writer.

8- What you say: I have writer's block/My muse is not really giving me anything lately.

What they hear: I like blaming imaginary creatures for the fact that I don't want to work. I latched on to the idea of muse and inspiration, and now I use it when I'm not really interested in forcing myself to produce something. A perfect idea has not descended upon me like a lightning bolt such that all I have to do is convert it into sentence form. I'm not willing to do freewriting, work on prompts, journal, or do one of a hundred activities that keep me writing and are designed to jump start the creative engines. I also ignore every bit of conventional wisdom that the longer I don't write, the less likely it is for creativity to spawn from that fountainhead. I would rather personify my muse as mercurial and fickle and sound artsy than do the sweaty work that lays the foundation from which creativity actually springs. But it sounds artsy doesn't it? MUSE. MUUUUUUSE.

9- What you say: I got a rejection letter/My last thing wasn't received well

What they hear: I failed, so I'm giving up. I had no idea this was going to be so hard. I don't want to do it unless everyone thinks I'm fucking brilliant. Writing isn't really the important thing to me--being a great writer is the important thing to me. Really, actually, being recognized as a great writer. I don't want to work to get better. I want fans. I want people who tell me that my every word is the greatest thing they've ever read. I can't handle rejection. I'm certainly not going to just cry into my pillow for a day, and then get right back on the horse. The idea that I'm not as absolutely magnificent as I think I am is so difficult for me to bear that it will actually shut down my writing process for weeks, months....possibly years. Despite every two-bit, cliche, sentimental, Disney-pimped bit of movie-of-the-week advice that says winners are just losers who didn't quit, I'm quitting.

10- What you say: I don't know where to begin

What they hear: I have no fucking clue how the writing process, or really even art, works. I don't realize that wherever I start, it doesn't have to be perfect. I could start in the middle, or I could start with the scene in my head that's kind of close to the end. I am paralyzed with this perfectionist fear because I don't really have any idea how much I'm going to revise and change this before it's ready to meet an audience. I don't know how messy the artistic process is. I don't know how I'm going to take out whole chunks, maybe even entire characters. I don't know that just starting ANYTHING is miles better than simply making an excuse about not knowing where to begin.

11- What you say: My laptop/computer/Macbook Air/Dropbox/Lucky Tamagachi Pet doesn't work

What they hear: My affectation is so fetishized that I am totally fucking incapable of writing with paper and pencils for the brief period of time it takes to get the situation fixed. I also don't care about writing enough to have a back up plan or even to jump on fixing this like it is the most important thing in the world. I won't use a library computer. I won't write in a slightly different way. I won't work to find a bandaid solution. I may actually like having my ability to write stymied more than I like writing itself. Hey are you buying any of this?

12- What you say: I'm too tired to write

What they hear: I don't like writing enough to get sufficient sleep. I'd rather stay up raiding Terrace of Endless Spring than write. I'd rather watch half a season of Supernatural on Netflix than write. I'd rather socialize with friends than than take a nap so I can write.  Even though what this really means is that I just don't consider writing enough of a priority to get some sleep, I'm hoping that you'll relate to the tired part not realize that I'm really just saying that writing isn't a priority. I'm hoping the buffer of a single step between my prioritized decision making and writing will obfuscate the fact that it's really just me choosing things over writing--I just happen to be making those choices before bed.

13- What you say: I'll start after this event

What they hear: I'm using this event as rationalization. I seize upon reasons not to write instead of finding the way to write. Perhaps in a world with no events....ever...I might find the mental bandwidth to write. No such world exists, however, and in this world, I have a nearly perpetual excuse. There will always be an event--a holiday, a visit, an unfolding life drama, something coming up, something just finishing, or something going on right now. There will always be something that I can look at and say "this is no time to start writing!" Because that's sort of how life works. If I really wanted to write, I would start yesterday, and I would be doing it unless bombs were falling like rain from invading aliens, but I don't really want to, so this is as good an excuse as any not to. Hey why are you smiling like that?

14- What you say: I haven't lived enough to write anything worth reading

What they hear: I would literally rather do anything than write. I'm going to call it living, but it is literally everything BUT writing. Because if I wanted to write, I would just be writing about the parts of life I have experienced in new and inventive ways. Also, I probably haven't actually read much. I don't know that some of the best literature in the world is about people doing shit on the day of a dinner party, or a love triangle very similar to the one I experienced in high school. I don't know that the fiction that is about "great" things is often about stuff that no one could possibly have experienced like space travel and killing dragons.

15- What you say: I'm not good enough/I'm not ready

What they hear: I believe that writing is a mystical skill that people get better at by not doing. I'm not working on getting better at writing. I'm not practicing. I'm probably not reading much. I'm not risking rejection. I'm just enjoying the feedback loop that if I'm not good enough, I can't write, and if I don't write, I'll never be good enough. That way I can want to be a writer without ever taking the chance that it'll be hard, people won't love me, the struggle will be too much for me, or this dream will be anything but a fantasy. I can't imagine why you don't believe me.


So fellow writers, if you're going to make excuses, give up on these two bit crap excuses, and make those fuckers good: "I actually had this whole fucking thousand-page manuscript about the zombie apocalypse written, but there was apparently something in it that embarrassed Emperor Akihito of Japan. See there was this one part that was about his underpants, but I guess somehow I actually got it correct, so they thought I knew state secrets. And so right after I showed my publisher, he disappeared and these...these ninjas--honest to fucking god, 21st century NINJAS--showed up to destroy my book. There was this total badass fight because I've taken like six years of Taekwondo, but in the end the ninja attacking me was just a distraction for the ninja who was wiping my hard drive and Dropbox account, and so I totally have to start over. And fuck, that's been like the last two years....down the drain....because of ninjas."  

That's way more believable than any of the crap above. Seriously.


Disclaimers and shit-

*No excuse is always invalid. I'm sure there really ARE people who work 100 hours a week just to scrape by in a mega-stress living situation where they can't possibly make any cuts, or people who have experienced traumatic events (like the death of a loved one) that would distract anyone from writing for a while or maybe have crippling insomnia and really do get tired in a way that has nothing to do with their choices. But the irony is that the more valid something is, the less it sounds like an excuse when they talk about it, and with most real writers, the more emotional crap you pile on them...the tighter you turn the screws on their life, the more intense their need to write as an outlet becomes.

I'm also NOT saying any of this stuff isn't important. I'm saying people set their priorities. If you have a lot of things that are more important than writing, your life tends to look like it. The point isn't "X is unimportant." The point is "when writing really matters, you find a way." Our lives are usually a better expression of our priorities than our mouths.

If you're enjoying this blog, and would like to see more articles like this one, the writer is a guy with a rent and insurance to pay who would love to spend more time writing. Please consider contributing to My Patreon. As little as $12 a year (only one single less-than-a-cup-of-coffee dollar a month) will get you in on backchannel conversations, patron-only polls, and my special ear when I ask for advice about future projects or blog changes.

October November and Some Wonderful Geeks

I. Lister burst into my office just now and said he came up with a wonderful idea for a list, but he wasn't going to be able to get it written until tomorrow and could he please have an extension.  There was some back and forth.  He told me to do the Jazz Hands I'm always talking about. I reminded him of ratting me out to NaNo ninjas.  There may have been some eye narrowing.  In the end I told him to write his damned more-awesome list by tomorrow, and I would figure something out.

So I guess we have an excuse to do the end-of-the-month report today.  That's okay.  I don't have enough mail right now to do a Mailbox tomorrow anyway.

October was, in a word, spectacular!

Good thing November is just starting, or Chris would be sobbing into his pillow.

I didn't think that we'd get anywhere near the Stumbleupon-inspired spike of August for a few more months, but October was only a thousand shy.  Pageviews keep creeping up. Most recently we've started averaging about 350/day and peeking up over 400 from time to time.  Still not "real blog" numbers, but the rate of growth is encouraging.  I can't think of the last time I wasn't aware that "Gee we're doing a lot better than this time a couple of weeks ago."

October's Poll results are in for The Ultimate Poll of Ultimate Destiny.  They clearly show that bacon beats out both pirates and ninjas.  That's right.  The great war can be ended with bacon.

Or perhaps....not enough bacon is how the whole thing got started...

I personally believe there were a lot more ninjas on this poll.  They were just hiding.  But I can't prove it.   So look for the November poll in a few days, and in the meantime, I hope you all enjoy your bacon.

Weep for the future Na'Toth!  

In November, I plan to work a lot on "ground floor" projects.  The latest bumps in traffic have reminded me that even though I can get buzz from things like Skyrim articles and polls, but the basic lists and genuinely helpful parts of the blog are still very much "under construction."  I also eventually want to get that stuff finished so I can drop down to two or three updates a week and focus more of my energy on fiction.  Expect a few more glossary entries, an article on craft elements, and a product review.  Also I'll be rewriting the Bradbury review that my evil clone erased.  I guess I should start backing things up since he knows all the answers to my security questions, so changing the password does precisely dick in keeping him from messing with the signal.

INTRODUCING THE ACE OF GEEKS PODCAST!!!

I'd like to introduce some peeps who I see at the gaming conventions I go to and who I've been friends with for a while now.  They do a podcast called Ace of Geeks.  They're worth checking out--especially if you're into geeky stuff like I am!

I have to be honest with you...I've been waiting for months to pimp these guys out because they're friends and because their podcast is a lot of fun, but it's mostly about movies and games and geek stuff and only occasionally about writing or books or something that I could latch onto as pretense for a shout out here at Writing About Writing.  However, they recently did one of their podcasts on some book reviews, and I pounced on that sucker like a starving person pounces on the last Oreo.  It is listed here on their archive page as special episode #2.  Definitely worth a listen!