My drug of choice is writing––writing, art, reading, inspiration, books, creativity, process, craft, blogging, grammar, linguistics, and did I mention writing?

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Lt. Lambaste vs. The Swordpen

Hur hur.  Penis.  
Lieutenant Lambaste: Lt. Lambaste here.  The Sci Guy is imprinting the next clone even now, and I've reloaded the mega-gun.  I apologize for the mess in the background.  When I got here there was another strike commando team of those damned cephalopods and I had to unload the megagun on their leader and then take out the others in the chain-of-command confusion with my sidearm.  But other than some scattered entrails and blood-splattered walls, we should be business as usual.  At least I think that's blood.  Anyway, the Sci Guy assures me that today we have quite a treat, so let's go ahead and fire up this bad boy and meet our writer.  SciGuy?  If you would?

SciGuy: Imprinting personality matrix onto the clone...loading memories....and here he comes.

LL: Hello.

Writer Clone: Hi.  Man this place is a mess.  You should write to someone about this.

LL: Janitor comes after the segment.

WC: I'd write to have them do a cleaning before the show.  Or better yet...I'd write a letter to their supervisor complaining.

LL: You like writing huh?  Tell me a little about that.

WC: The pen is mightier than the sword.  I'm going to change the world through my words.

LL: You are?  Tell me all about it.

WC: Oh yeah.  I go to all the political forums and just tell those Republicans what's why their arguments are fallacies.  I can tell I knock them into stunned silence when I just reply with the name of the fallacy they used because they almost never say anything back.

LL: You picked someone with an obvious political affiliation SciGuy?

SG: An artist in the Bay Area.  I didn't have a lot to work with.

LL: Fair enough.  So, my new writer friend.  Do you ever win any of these arguments?

WC: I win all these arguments.  Hands down.  There was one a few weeks ago, and this guy just kept replying and kept replying, but I wasn't going to give up.  So we went at it for days and the thread went down the page like a half a mile from end to end.  And eventually I had to explain to him what the words he was using actually meant.  But finally he gave up.  That's what being a writer is all about.

LL: You must change a lot of minds.  Have you considered political writing?

WC: No, I don't want to get involved in politics.  That's bullshit.  I'm working on the great American novel.  It's going to show this messed up future where there are two societies.  One that accepted Obamacare and the other that didn't.  There's this wall....and the Nobamacares--clever huh?--they're always trying to get to the Obamacares side when they get sick.  It's going to show so many people how stupid they are.

SG: Oh man!  This is gold.

LL: You're actually going to call it Obamacare and Nobama care?  Don't you think that's a little...transparent.

WC: People are too stupid to get it if I don't spoon feed it to them.  I have to show them how wrong they are.  Because they haven't ever really thought about it...not really.  If they had, they'd already agree with me.  This book will help them get all the facts and make the right choice.

LL: So how's that book going?

WC:  Well, it's mostly in my head right now.  I have an outlined chapter on my laptop.

LL: Why not work on that while the whole debate is still relevant.

WC: Well, there's just so many places I can change the world with my Swordpen, you know?  That's my word.  Swordpen.  Because--.

LL: Oh, I get it.

WC: I write scathing letters to all kinds of businesses if they don't treat me well.  The other day I got a fee from my bank because I'd overdrafted for the third time in a year.  I mean these are just little human errors, and they charged me a bunch of money for it.  I'm sure after that letter, they reconsidered their draconian policies.

LL: I'm sure.

WC: I do way more damage with my words than most people ever could with a phone call or a complaint to the manager?  I go home and spend hours on a carefully worded e-mail to their owner or corporate office and just bring down the thunder.

LL: Wouldn't they have to use their words in a phone call?

WC:  Yeah but I use...good words.  Plus if they don't send me an apology and like gift certificates for free stuff, I write bad Yelp reviews about them.  Really articulate ones that totally trash their businesses.

LL: Ended a lot of businesses on Yelp have you?

WC: Well, maybe not ENDED, but I'm sure I affected their business.  My weapons are my words.  They are as devastating as any actual gun.

LL: I almost have everything I need here.  Maybe you could just tell me where you do most of this writing to change the world with that swordpen of yours.

WC: MOST of my writing?  Hmmmm.  Probably on Facebook.

LL:  Thanks.  That'll do it.


SG: Best. Job. Ever.

LL: I know right?  Okay, dear reader.  Thanks for stopping by.  We'll see you next month when we fire up the Pretentitron again.  And hopefully Chris will have done something about these damn octopus people by then.

No comments:

Post a Comment