My drug of choice is writing––writing, art, reading, inspiration, books, creativity, process, craft, blogging, grammar, linguistics, and did I mention writing?

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Introducing Hen Wen

This is Hen Wen.  Everyone say hi.  Hen Wen predicts a good year at Writing About Writing and even though she's a little vague on the specifics, Hen Wen's predictions tend to come true.  I'm cheered by this auspicious portent, even if Hen Wen assures me that my good fortune may mean her terrible demise.

"I love consuming the illusions of value from within your capitalist/consumerist culture."
"I see a Workforce Drop Forged hammer and a lot of litte pieces of piggy bank."
Not a lot of ambiguity here.
You see, Hen Wen believes she has a tragic destiny.  Even though she came equipped with a bottom plug like the new "weak willed" piggy banks, she is here to enact a cliche.  The cliche of saving money.  And all those cliches end with the piggy bank being broken (not simply opened, gutted, and reused).  Hen Wen is oracular and foresees that the end of her days as a cliche might be the most horrible piggy bank cliche of all.

I'm not sure about her predictions, but I hope, for her sake, there's some "dead zone" in her vision that might make this story have a better ending.  Perhaps, as has become the saving grace for other famous pigs, I will make so much money due to Hen Wen that the idea of her death becomes abhorrent to me and I will fling myself into the path of the oncoming hammer like....well, like every self-sacrifice in a movie movie from 1995 to 2005.

"Reach into my box, Chris.
Wait, that didn't sound right."

"Stuff me in my slit, Chris.
Wait, that didn't sound right either."

Why did Hen Wen come to me in the first place?  Well, the story starts with my Financial Pledge.  I promised everyone that ten percent of all proceeds would be reinvested in the blog.  Webdesign at first, perhaps one day a web domain and a Wordpress site.  And if it ever get a steady income stream, I might one day try to actually hire a copyeditor.  If I could just make a a hundred billion dollars from Writing About Writing, this site would be so fucking fly you guys would like be asked in a soft female voice what you'd like to look at.  And that's only if you didn't get the latest computer with the mind reading suction cups.

But at this point, none of those things is on the table because I haven't made enough to do any of them. But I did make make enough to save $13.50 when I got my first paycheck from Google.  I was so excited about this that after I wet myself, I decided to save a whole $20.00.  

"Stick it in me, Chris!
Wait, that didn't sound right."
Despite appearances, I do not have a tumor on my lower lip,
but I am, in fact, sticking out my tongue.
(My lack of hair has NOTHING to do with "evil Chris."  Nothing.)
But I couldn't just open an account.  I couldn't just stick it in a special place.  I needed to embrace a money saving cliche as a cheap gimmick to put on the blog.

And so Supportive Girlfriend heard my cry and enlisted the computer expertise of Uberdude, and they took advantage of this place called "Amazon" which not only produces great rivers and Wonder Woman, but also just about anything you could possibly want--including cliche pink piggy banks.

Now I have a place to put all the 10%'s until they add up to an actual amount large enough to hire some kind of web designer.

("I was actually saying, 'Shove it in me, big boy,' but that didn't sound right.")

Here's to many more $20 bills, and when we've saved enough, a blog that isn't so shoestring.

Since I'm a complete sellout, I will let you know that you can get your own Hen Wen wannabe bank delivered to your door.  (They are actually kind of hard to find--especially ones that are just pink.)  However, unlike Hen Wen, any Hen Wen knock offs will have cheerful smiley pig faces since none of them are gloomily contemplating their own hammer-filled end.


  1. Is this a Lloyd Alexander reference?

    1. Despite the general ubiquity of oracular pigs named Hen Wen in literature, yes. :-p