Wednesday, May 2, 2012
An Open Letter To Writing About Writing's Readers About The Coming Changes (and possible invasion)
I'm Chris Brecheen. Here at Writing About Writing, we're working hard to bring you a better tomorrow...today. We strive tirelessly to show you the future...right now.
These aren't just cheesy cliches, folks, or meaningless slogans. Our research and development department has been working with quantum and temporal physics and running a highly sophisticated, yet dangerous, experiment every single Tuesday to try and bring us tomorrow...today.
That is to say every Tuesday here at Writing About Writing...due to a quantum fold...wormhole...thingie in the the time/space continuum and way more power than "the big plug downstairs" should be able to generate, you have actually been reading Wednesday's articles sent back in time 24 hours to Tuesday.
Pretty awesome huh?
Then, to balance things out, they ran the Tuesday articles on Wednesday--which is apparently much less difficult. And then, I guess to avoid temporal paradox....or something, they edited the articles for any reference to Wednesday's events and changed them to Tuesday just so they wouldn't cause a...time quake(?) or some such thing. So they all probably LOOK like they were written on Tuesdays if you go back and check.
It's my fault. I probably should have given them some more specific goals than "Let's show them the future of writing." If there's one reason humanities majors end up making more money over their lifetime with their "useless" degrees, it's probably because their linguistic comprehension skills can account for dramatic turns of phrase.
AnyWHO, they decided to mess with the flow of the time space continuum to see the actual, literal future of writing, and they sort of opened a fissure...type thing....I'm not real clear on the details. Some of my articles may have reached a distant civilization who are really picky about missing commas, and if you've paid any attention at all, you know that's not my strong suit. The point is that we're sort of at war with some time travelling cephalopods who intend our total destruction. Funny story: they actually analyzed our language through pop culture (TV shows and movies and stuff) and told us they wanted to "decimate" our civilization, and the scientists were all, "Well, heck, that's not so bad if you think about it," but then after some really emotionally difficult confabs we worked out that the cephalopods actually meant...total annihilation and they meant to destroy not just our world, but the entire universe and our timestream.
You know...it occurs to me that only the beginning of that story is really the funny part.
Honestly, you don't need to worry your cute little heads over it. You really can't see them unless you're out of phase with the time stream, or insanely drunk. So if you see a psychotic octopus person with, like, eight quantum death beams after your ninth shot, just pretend you CAN'T see them, and you should be fine. The only way we'll really know how the war goes is if everything in our time/space continuum ceases to exist, and if that happens you won't be there to notice, so....no reason to lose any sleep.
Anyway, these guys blew my R&D budget for about...lemmie do the math here...(carry the six....) ...seventy thousand years, so I had to shut down all the experiments, fire the whole lot of them, and I gave the one remaining quantum death sword to this really effeminate guy named Link who says he's got a HUGE hard-on for killing octopii... octopeds... octopuses...octo--SHIT WITH EIGHT ARMS.
Yeah, like he can kill an entire army and save the whole world.
The point is that now that the Tuesday experiments are shut down, it's going to look like to you--the readers in the normal time/space continuum flow--that we switched Wednesdays and Tuesdays. We've really been doing it this way all along. So please bear with us.
We apologize for any inconvenience this might cause you. We know you have a choice in meta writing blogs.
Thank you for choosing Writing About Writing,
-Chris Brecheen (Founder and main writer guy)