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My drug of choice is writing--writing, art, reading, inspiration, books, creativity, process, craft, blogging, grammar, linguistics, and did I mention writing?

Sunday, November 3, 2013

My Inbox This Morning


To: William "SciGuy" Nie

From: Me  

Subject: THANKS!!!

Thanks for fixing Vera!  You're the best.  Since we seem to have a firewall that can keep out the Evil Mystery Blogger (and even give evil Chris a run for his basement-loving money) and I don't have any major alien invasions or anything, feel free to take some time off to work on quantumly resurrecting your dead girlfriend.

Chris Brecheen <chris.brecheen@gmail.com>



To: You; William "SciGuy" Nie
CC: Erikamonkey

From: Evil Chris

Re: THANKS!!

Oh I wouldn't be too sure about that.  Got a few choice pro-NaNo articles fired up and ready to go. The only reason I'm not all up in your IP grill is that you'll send a singing mob down here to break my mirrors and shit, and I literalize being on the down low. Gotta space out my love.

Chris Brecheen <cbrecheen@earthlink.net>



To: Reply All

From: The SciGuy

Re: THANKS!!

Automated Message: I regret to inform you that I can't get to whatever you think is important right now. I am currently trying to unlock the secrets of quantum realities to undo the tragic death of the only thing I have ever really loved.


The SciGuy <sciencetacular@sci.sci>



To: William "SciGuy" Nie

From: Me  

Subject: No thanks!

Not cool dude! I sign your paychecks. I'm also looking the other way while you violate the inter-dimensional treaty with the Octorians that swore we wouldn't play around with alternate time lines and parallel dimension stuff.

And don't think I haven't seen you farting around with fixing the Pretentitron either.

If you don't reply to me, I'll cut the Writing About Writing R&D budget by another 50%--or by three cents--whichever is more.

And why is this shartquaffer able to get in on our private e-mail.  I thought you fixed this crap. Seriously.

Chris Brecheen <chris.brecheen@gmail.com>



To: You; William "SciGuy" Nie
CC: Erikamonkey

From: Evil Chris

Subject: Shartquaffer?  Seriously?

You do realize that with the possible exception of my hair color there is literally no insult you can levy at me that isn't a little bit.....ironic.

Chris Brecheen <cbrecheen@earthlink.net>



To: Reply All

From: The SciGuy

Re: THANKS!!

Sorry.  I was close to a breakthrough.  Turns out the revolution direction of the protons plays a...no I'm just kidding. Wasn't that just the stupidest episode of Deep Space Nine ever?  (Unfortunately no. No it wasn't.)

Listen, about Vera. I'm glad she's back, but there's something you should know.  Her hard drive didn't fry because of a random event or a "known issue." When I pulled apart the old drive and ran an analyses on it I found that it had been a virus.  A particularly awful virus.

Now...I can try to explain this to you, but it's much too technical for your average brain to comprehend, but suffice to say that when someone writes computer code, they take certain distinctive short cuts. It's almost like you sometimes tell me about how you can tell who's writing anonymous comments based on their word choice and grammatical style.

Well, I have to tell you, that there is no doubt in my mind that your laptop was given a virus by our evil mystery blogger.  All the same tricks he used to hack our firewall and piggy back the signal were in the code of that virus.

I highly recommend we go ahead with the plan I mentioned.  This guy is too good. He will eventually hack any security system I design. Trying to track him is our best bet.

I need the go ahead though, and you've seemed nervous.

The SciGuy <sciencetacular@sci.sci>




To: William "SciGuy" Nie

From: Me  

Subject: ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

I'm having trouble typing, I'm so pissed off.  Vera was attacked?  That's why this whole thing happened?  WHO IS THIS FUCKING GUY!!!  I am so unbelievably upset right now, I'm likely to use the wrong your/you're.  This is unreal.

Still, I'm not sure it would be the best idea to let him do another one of those stupid posts. I mean they are really complete bullshit. Isn't there any other way to maybe catch this guy in the act without letting the post go up.

Chris Brecheen <chris.brecheen@gmail.com>



To: Reply All

From: The White Text on Dark Background Knight

Subject: When my laptop is broken, I stop having it be broken, and be AWESOME instead.  

Gee whiz you amateur tools. Don't you wish now you had taken my advice. I told you that good writing comes from good computers, but you had to go get the second rate crap. Now who looks foolish. I mean just look at all these entries in the last two weeks about how hard it is to write without your laptop. It turns out you can't cut corners on good fundamentals.

I sort of figured you'd realize you needed a MacBook pro to be a real writer, but maybe this lesson didn't sink in.  Gee....I sure hope something else bad doesn't happen to Vera.

<WhiteKnight@goodlucktracingthisyoudouches.net>



To: William "SciGuy" Nie

From: Me  

Subject: Oh HELL no!!!

Do it, SciGuy.  Nuke this bastage from orbit.  

It's the only way to be sure.  

Chris Brecheen <chris.brecheen@gmail.com>




To: You; William "SciGuy" Nie
CC: Erikamonkey

From: Evil Chris

Subject: The enemy of my enemy is still a dick.

It takes a lot to make me think my NaNo-hating clone isn't the world's biggest tool.

Congrats.

~middle finger~

Chris Brecheen <cbrecheen@earthlink.net>


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