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Thursday, November 8, 2012

Lt. Lambaste on The Future of the Pretentitron

Dear Chris Brecheen,

I cannot continue to work under these circumstances.  I was wrapping up a session with a NaNo writer clone named Erika, who was telling me all about how she was now a novelist and would be sending her book to Bantam Books on Nov 2, after she "gave it a quick polish."  She even figured her idea was so amazing that they would assign her an editor so there was no need to do more than a cursory check for big grammar mistakes, and that she would be making money in time to use royalties for holiday shopping.  I asked her about the NaNo website's warning that revision is needed, and she said that she got an A on the last paper she write right before the deadline, so she would give it that quick polish, but she knew it was a great novel.

I mean, it was perfect.

Then I went to shoot her with the ubercanon, but the damned thing didn't work.  I pulled the trigger, but no boom.   Then "Evil Chris" showed up wearing some goofy-ass half mask, jumps THROUGH a mirror on the far wall (seriously, he somehow went through the mirror), and grabs Erika.

He told me these people were real people.  I could call ideas and behaviors pretentious, but if I continued to try to point at actual people, a disaster beyond my imagination would occur.  Then there was a puff of smoke, and he totally disappeared.

How am I supposed to run my segment if a'The Phantom of W.A.W." is going to show up and sabotage my gun and steal my clones?  This has to be dealt with!

-Lt. Lambaste



Lt. Lambaste,

Weren't you the one who decided to clone me?  Wasn't the decision to clone someone who knew about the Pretentitron directly responsible for his escape?  Don't we now face the existential crisis of a moral conundrum surrounding killing clones for their pretentiousness because YOU decided to clone an actual person and it got away, and now we know it has a life and feelings and ambitions?  What once was a cute joke that no one really thought of has revealed itself to be morally....well, I would use the word questionable, but it really kind of goes beyond that, doesn't it.

I am unwilling to let you go because the Pretentitron has helped so much in the war efforts against the genocidal cephalopods.  Also because you can kill me in twenty different ways with just the stuff sitting around my office.  So I'd rather work with you to come up with a successful segment than risk an ariel strike.

I think perhaps my evil twin may have a point.  Pointing at pretentious ideas and laughing is practically required when it comes to writing (for there are so many that writers seem blind to).  But that seems a little different than actually cloning pretentious people and killing them.  Maybe this wasn't...in a manner of speaking...our most spectacular idea ever.

Why don't you switch with Guy Goodman St.White during December.  That gives you five weeks to come up something that isn't quite so....murderous.

Also....after the last major attack from genocidal cephalopods, there were a lot of their super-sciency weapons we were able to commandeer.  We gave some to R&D of course, but I've also given some of them to the A Team to practice with.  However, they still haven't gotten any better at hitting anything....unless of course that thing is the side of a wall and they are spelling out their name in bullets.    

If it's not a black wall....nothing.

Do you think maybe you can spend some time trying to teach them how to shoot?

-Chris

1 comment:

  1. Huh? Is this like....a fiction blog or something?

    ReplyDelete