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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

A Chat with Leela Bruce

Chris Brecheen: Listen, I know it was probably actually the cheese guy but--

Leela Bruce: If you accuse me of writing those Mystery Blogger posts, the next thing I kung fu fight is going to be your face.

Chris: (~long pause~) I would...never. I was wondering....if....you had seen the cheese guy.

Leela: Oh good, because there's an internal memo from the SciGuy suggesting that you might be stopping by all the guest bloggers' quarters to find out if we're involved. Mostly because you're too big a wuss to go ask your evil twin who lives in the basement if he's involved.

Chris: You wound me, Leela.

Leela: Not yet.

Chris: Well...then....um...it's probably a good thing that I just stopped by to ask if you um....have an article for me.

Leela: I'm not writing jack shit for you until you run the old articles that you found after you decrypted the mainframe. There's some good stuff in there.

Chris: Yeah, actually about that....  I know The SciGuy says he found your articles, but they're not there now. And Cedric says you stopped by a couple of weeks ago and asked to get them back to make a few edits, and then never brought them back.

Leela: Oh right! It's all coming back to me. Do you remember when I told you that the guest blogger situation here at Writing About Writing was a sausage fest?

Chris: (swallows) Um...yeah.  I remember something like that, yes.

Leela: And you hired three wonderful guest bloggers--sisters--who were going to do link pimpage. Do you remember that?

Chris: I...uh...I do.

Leela: And do you then remember the whole lot of nothing that happened after that? No posts. No segments. No nothing. Mostly no additional ladyparts.

Chris: There were...extenuating circumstances.

Leela: You managed to run six articles a week while fighting an interdimensional war with a race bent on the eradication of humanity. You can bust out a can of Cope if you happen to have to teach summer school. I'm a little tired of your prima donna shit. Here's an idea: stop spending the first three hours of a writing session on Facebook. Then you can do crazy things like work three hours in a day and get some fucking writing d--

Chris: So...Pointer Sister articles then?

Leela: I don't care what you do as long as I'm not the token chick around here anymore. If one more motherfucker mansplains martial arts to me, I'm going to use Dim Mak on every penis in this place until you're all fucking eunuchs.

Chris: Well...um....what should I do for tomorrow?

Leela: I'm trying really hard to figure out how that's my problem.

Chris: You know I sign your paychecks rig--

Leela: (~punches through a cinderblock~)

Chris: Glad we could have this little chat.

Leela: Me too.

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