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Thursday, December 12, 2013

Enter The Contrarian

I would like to introduce you to The Contrarian.
Enough of this gazing adoringly crap.
Let's go fight some crime!

Though powers of your average superhero baby tend to grow and develop over time, we have already begun to see a bit of our little crime fighter's preternatural abilities peeking through.

He appears to have the ability to psychically contradict people's intentions.  He's best at it when it involves people trying to do things to him.  It doesn't appear to be able to be broad or categorical.  He couldn't stop a band of thieves from robbing a bank by psychically contradicting the whole bank robbery, or someone from committing a murder (unless he was standing right next to the person), but anytime someone wants to do something that can affect him directly, he can instantly contradict it with little more than a psychic thought. It'll be a handy power, especially once he learns how to use it, but it's largely defensive, and so he's going to have to learn martial arts or throw chakras or something too.

Still at six days old, he is pre-verbal, so who knows exactly how his powers will develop as he gains the ability to vocalize.

Unfortunately when two superheroes fall in love, their babies (almost always superheroes themselves) sometimes lose control of their powers during the difficult birthing process.  The Contrarian had some tough moments where his powers were just going off left and right, and accidentally hitting everyone.

"You are going to be birthed right here in The Hall of Rectitude," The Brain said.  "I've even rented a birthing tub, hired a doula, and contacted some midwives who specialize in superhero births."

"I Am Not," The Contrarian (psychically) said, and The Brain decided to transfer to a hospital.

"Okay now that you're at the hospital," the nurse said, "He is going to come out without any trouble now, I'm sure."

"I Am Not!" The Contrarian (psychically) said, and suddenly it was time for a c-section.  The Brain still had an infection from Cybotrex's nanites, and The Contrarian's heart rate was getting too high. Every time someone said "You need to come out baby," the contrarian's reply was "I Am Not!"

I stop more terrorist plots in my sleep than most people do awake.
No seriously.  That's not hyperbole. I really do.
So there was a C-section. I would like to tell you that it was textbook, but there were complications.  Uberdude and I sat on stools behind a curtain looking at The Brain's worried face.

That's when Doctor Negatron tried to use the surgical laser to slice and dice The Brain. We ended up having a fight between Doc Neg, The Warlock, Uberdude and me, IN THE MIDDLE of surgery, and Doctor Negatron and The Warlock were not being careful not to contaminate the operating room.  We wanted to let loose and really fight but we had to be calm and careful battling the villains.  We kept holding back our true fury for The Brain's and the baby's sake.

At one point The Warlock had me cornered.  If I dodged left I would end up crushing the baby. If I dodged right, I would contaminate the surgery and The Brain would probably die of sepsis. So I just froze--unable to really do anything but stand there and wait.

I felt The Warlock reaching into my body with his disembodied shadow hand and my very soul hooked from the its anchor by his necromantic powers. Everything got desperately cold, and the first real fear of my life gripped me. I could lose people I loved.

I could really, actually lose people I loved.

"Well, well, well," The Warlock said, eyes glittering under the surgical lights, "nowhere left to run."

He pulled back for one final yank. "Looks like this little guy is going be growing up without an Uncle Chris."

"I Am Not!" 

A thin smile crossed my lips. "You just made a mistake," I said.

The Warlock paused, unable to continue. Confusion bubbled up and hardened into frustration at his inability to kill me. By including the baby in his intentions, he had opened himself up to be contradicted. He struggled to no avail against the irresistible psychic compulsion of....The Contrarian.

That's when Sonic Gal burst into the O.R., ran over, picked up an oxygen tank, and brought it down over The Warlock's brain pan--all in just the second it took him to realize that he couldn't deliver the coup de grace on me.

The Warlock's head made a very satisfying clangthump when hit with an oxygen tank.  That's one less baby he will be able to eat to fuel his dark energies.

Doctor Negatron, never one for physical conflict, slipped out of the O.R. with a cry of: "Next time Uberdude!  Next time!"

Then suddenly everything was over. The Contrarian was in the world. I got to look at his little face, awake and looking back at me. His tiny eyes were open, and he looked cranky....but he looked okay.

And all of it--ALL OF IT--was worth it.
"Thirty seconds old, and you already owe me, brah."


  1. Wonderful!! Welcome to the world, Contrarian! I know there is a place in this world only you can fill. Grow strong, learn many things, see much. Welcome. . .

  2. Welcome Contrarian! Keep on telling 'em... don't worry about the pre-verbal bit, Parental Units have decoders :-)

  3. Awesome! Welcome to the world, Contrarian! Thanks for the pic!

  4. I’m telling you, Contrarian, you are NOT going to like this life stuff. You’ll find no enjoyment in the beauty of the world, the tenderness of the people you meet, or the wonder of it all. Ever. Not once. Got it?