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My drug of choice is writing--writing, art, reading, inspiration, books, creativity, process, craft, blogging, grammar, linguistics, and did I mention writing?

Saturday, March 7, 2015

I'm Fine (Personal Update)

I'm 
dealing with a lot of big emotions lately. Trying to stay stalwart in the face of crashing waves of desperation. Empathy makes it difficult not to keenly feel the struggles of the people closest to me, especially when I am powerless to do anything but watch them suffer. Choked and strangled by an illness that isn't my own. Stressed. Desperate. Like white hot iron rods sliding into my gut. I would take this pain from you if I could, for I feel so much of it anyway. Loss. Helplessness. Frustration. Syphoning off creativity energy. I'm confused, empty, an impostor in my writing life, and any minute now everyone will realize that I'm a fraud, point, and laugh. Judged and found lacking. Driven beyond reason to hammer away at a full-time-job's worth of writing (on top of "real" work) and there's no real place to squeeze a social life into that train wreck. Misunderstood. Living in that world between a desperate quest for privacy and hollow loneliness. Like a rusty melon baller scraping out my insides. Unloved. Unlovable. Something, somewhere has to give; it's going to snap soon. Fear and loathing. Will they hate me if I tell them how I really feel? Will they fear me. Avoid me? Maybe I'll just push this all down, smile, and tell everyone that everything is just
fine.

10 comments:

  1. Incredibly great writer!

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  2. So so sorry that life blows for you and your loved ones right now. Breathe through it! We (the lurking interweb followers) will wait while you regain your footing.

    Also, THANK YOU for talking about this openly and publicly. This normalizes that shit happens and feeling shitty happens, and it helps others get through bad times.

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  3. So much of that resonates - seriously, you have a gift. They all come with a price, like flat out madness and self-loathing. I don't know if it will help much, but I'm a goofy stupid Chris fan. I love your blog and love the personality that oozes from every wicked paragraph. So take care, as long as that takes, and feel better. :)

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  4. I'm so sorry. I offer you the internet version of hugs and an official "cut yourself some slack right now" certificate.

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  5. Wish I was there to make you a blanket fort and some cookies.

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  7. That sounds horribly familiar. I know that statements by other people about how cool you actually are don't always get through - but they are true.

    This will pass, and you are awesome.

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  8. Yep, this is what I mean whenever I say "I'm fine."

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