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My drug of choice is writing––writing, art, reading, inspiration, books, creativity, process, craft, blogging, grammar, linguistics, and did I mention writing?

Saturday, March 7, 2015

I'm Fine (Personal Update)

I'm 
dealing with a lot of big emotions lately. Trying to stay stalwart in the face of crashing waves of desperation. Empathy makes it difficult not to keenly feel the struggles of the people closest to me, especially when I am powerless to do anything but watch them suffer. Choked and strangled by an illness that isn't my own. Stressed. Desperate. Like white hot iron rods sliding into my gut. I would take this pain from you if I could, for I feel so much of it anyway. Loss. Helplessness. Frustration. Syphoning off creativity energy. I'm confused, empty, an impostor in my writing life, and any minute now everyone will realize that I'm a fraud, point, and laugh. Judged and found lacking. Driven beyond reason to hammer away at a full-time-job's worth of writing (on top of "real" work) and there's no real place to squeeze a social life into that train wreck. Misunderstood. Living in that world between a desperate quest for privacy and hollow loneliness. Like a rusty melon baller scraping out my insides. Unloved. Unlovable. Something, somewhere has to give; it's going to snap soon. Fear and loathing. Will they hate me if I tell them how I really feel? Will they fear me. Avoid me? Maybe I'll just push this all down, smile, and tell everyone that everything is just
fine.
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13 comments:

  1. UnknownMarch 7, 2015 at 10:00 AM

    Take good care of you.

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  2. AnonymousMarch 7, 2015 at 4:04 PM

    Incredibly great writer!

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  3. AnonymousMarch 7, 2015 at 7:45 PM

    So so sorry that life blows for you and your loved ones right now. Breathe through it! We (the lurking interweb followers) will wait while you regain your footing.

    Also, THANK YOU for talking about this openly and publicly. This normalizes that shit happens and feeling shitty happens, and it helps others get through bad times.

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  4. witchscribeMarch 7, 2015 at 10:00 PM

    So much of that resonates - seriously, you have a gift. They all come with a price, like flat out madness and self-loathing. I don't know if it will help much, but I'm a goofy stupid Chris fan. I love your blog and love the personality that oozes from every wicked paragraph. So take care, as long as that takes, and feel better. :)

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  5. Bethany F. BrenganMarch 8, 2015 at 1:56 AM

    I'm so sorry. I offer you the internet version of hugs and an official "cut yourself some slack right now" certificate.

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  6. malt_sodaMarch 8, 2015 at 10:18 AM

    Wish I was there to make you a blanket fort and some cookies.

    ReplyDelete
  7. UnknownMarch 8, 2015 at 10:31 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousMarch 9, 2015 at 6:07 AM

    That sounds horribly familiar. I know that statements by other people about how cool you actually are don't always get through - but they are true.

    This will pass, and you are awesome.

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  9. AnonymousMarch 12, 2015 at 12:22 PM

    Yep, this is what I mean whenever I say "I'm fine."

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  10. AnonymousJanuary 26, 2018 at 12:13 AM

    Authentic, raw, real. Great.

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  11. СеверинаJanuary 26, 2018 at 11:45 AM

    Take all that feelings and put it into art. Something wonderful might come out of it! And remember we've all been there. (P.S. Love your blog, thank you for what you do.)

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  12. JanisJanuary 28, 2018 at 7:40 PM

    In your vulnerability lies your strength. Thank you for sharing your authenticity with us. As a person who struggles with depression and anxiety, I find solace when others have the courage to speak openly about difficult emotions. Your writing is a gift.

    ReplyDelete

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