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Sunday, July 19, 2015

The Dreams of a Blog (2015)

"Your three o'clock is here," Cedric said over the intercom. "Also, the staff are complaining that you paid them in pizza coupons last month, so could you at least mix it up this month. I'm thinking of giving them the Crazy Chicken coupon that is for four family members for the price of three, and the free coffee with a purchase of a breakfast sandwich and hashbrowns from McDowels."

I pressed the reply button: "Yes on The Crazy Chicken, no on the free coffee--we need something to pay them next month--and send in my three o'clock."

Blog walked in.

"Oh," I said. "Blog. I um....I didn't expect to see you for.....well for a while."

"I still have dreams, Chris," Blog said.

"I know you do, and it's been a little weird these last months. We lost Stumbleupon, and I still don't even actually know why. Numbers have been down and-"

"I know all this, Chris. It's been sad. But we've crawled back up. You didn't expect me to roll over and die because of a failure did you."

"No," I said. "I just figured, the setback being what it was....."

"You might not see me for a few more months?" Blog finished. "Maybe a year?"

I nodded. "Something like that. Yeah."

"Wouldn't it be lovely if the laurels just let you rest on them."

I swallowed. This wasn't going to go well for me.

Blog's lip curled into a predatory grin. "Play time's over Chris. You've jazz handed your way across half a year. Let's talk about Blogust."

"Oh come on," I said. "That was silly last year when it was less unrealistic than it would be today.. There's no way I'm going to be able to get 50,000 page views in a month right, especially if I'm not even writing for the last few days because of Burning Man. Playtime being over is great, but I can't make people look at the blog."

"A goal without deadline is just a daydream," Blog said.

"Fine. Next year. We probably will have recovered from the social media hit we took, and I'll have a little more time--"

"No."

"What do you mean, no? We can't hit fifty thousand, Blog. I'm sorry. There's no way."

"I don't want to hit fifty thousand," Blog said.

I rolled my eyes. "Look, I'm not going to do that trope where I'm relieved and then you hit me with an even bigger number, so you might as well just say it."

"Sixty thousand."

"No."

"Sixty. Thousand."

"No way."

"Sixty thousand, baby."

"There's no way, Blog. There's just no way. That's over twice what we're making now. That's two thousand page views a day. It can't be done."

"Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris....when will you learn, that you only say it can't be done because it never has."

"There's a difference between a realistic goal and a pipe dream."

"Of course there is. I didn't say you needed to make six hundred thousand page views. Share your best reruns. Make sure you're doing two posts a day on social media. Write articles you know people engage with. Really do some good writing. You can get that kind of traffic. And if you can't, you needed something to motivate you. But you can."

"You're not going to leave until I agree to this are you."

"We know each other so well, don't we?"


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