Friday, December 1, 2017
Chris vs. Evil Chris
The day after...
Chris: Welp. Sorry about that post you wanted to write. It's been real. Guess I'll see you next year.
Evil Chris: I'm staying.
Chris: And I'm really sorry about that Parisian rat infestation. I'll see about getting an exterminator down there right away. I know a guy. He's this really sweet guy from Iran–
Evil Chris: I'm not going back down into the basement.
Chris: But that's....like....our thing. You show up once a year and praise Nano, and I hate it the other eleven months because it seems to destroy a lot of genuinely creative people's belief in themselves.
Evil Chris: Not this year. I'm not going down into the basement. Erika and I will be staying.
Chris: Um.....okay look. People already get me confused with real non-persona Chris. That would be THREE Chrises running around. That's just too much Chris.
Evil Chris: You can never have too much–
Chris: Not now, dude.
Evil Chris: Look that evil mystery blogger fucked up my Nano advice. I vaguely cared about this jerkwad when he was ruining YOUR day, but this time it's personal. You've been NOT dealing with this for four years. I'm staying to help you get this guy.
Chris: No, that's certainly not necessary.
Evil Chris: You know what? You need me.
Chris: I'm pretty sure that's not even a little bit true.
Evil Chris: I'm not just the "ha-ha-isn't-he-evil shtict" guy who lives in the basement and likes Nano because once a year you feel guilty in your fee-fees about advising people against it. I'm a real human. I'm the the guy who will write a novel in thirty days.
Evil Chris: I mean I'm the guy who WILL write a novel in thirty days, just . I'm assertive. I'm the guy who risks it all in one turn of pitch and toss. I'm the guy who doesn't play it safe. I don't put off making doctors appointments for six weeks. I don't avoid difficult conversations. I get this shit done. I'm the guy who takes the risks you wish you could take. I'm bold. I'm decisive. And I'm not afraid to go Lord Peter Fucking Wimsey on this shit and maybe ask your employees a slightly harder question than "was it you?" We need to fucking move this plot arc along. 2013 was a long time ago.
Chris: Nice Kipling reference.
Evil Chris: *snapping his fingers* Fucking stay with me here, Chris. We're doing this. You and me. You will temper me, but I'm going to galvanize you. Now your evil mystery blogger has to deal with something even worse than you.
Chris: Two of me!
Evil Chris: Dude, no. I just told you why I'm not just another you. Come on man.