My drug of choice is writing––writing, art, reading, inspiration, books, creativity, process, craft, blogging, grammar, linguistics, and did I mention writing?

Thursday, October 4, 2012

I. Lister Says No

Chris popped in earlier.  Literally.  He crawled in through an air duct above my desk, and it made a popping sound as he pushed it out of the wall. He said he couldn't stay long because he was hiding from the army of ninjas sent by Nano fans to kill him for Monday's entry, and for every moment he wasn't on the move, they had a much better chance to track him down.

He tried to get the A-team to help him.  He thought MAYBE they could actually hit ninjas because ninjas wear black, but it turns out the only thing the A-team can hit is black WALLS--and then, only if they're spelling out their name in a hail of bullets.

That pretty much just left running and hiding.

Luckily they don't know Chris like I do.  It would only take ONE ninja dressed like this, and he'd be dead.
Chris looked around the room nervously and then turned to me.  "Can you do a list on how ever many reasons writing in Nano is like running a marathon without training," he asked in a low voice.

"Nope," I said as I jotted down a list of things that were on my desk so I could cross check it with last week's list and make a shopping list for office supplies.  "I mean, I could, but I'm not going to."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Horse is dead," I said.  "I'm not going to help you beat it.  I think with the picture of herpes and the Michael Scott techno remix, it's pretty obvious what your opinion is.  People already think we're the same person.  I'm not just here to guest blog your preexisiting opinions."

"Oh so you like Nano?" he asked.  "You like watching well-intentioned young creative people try to do three times more than they should for one twelfth the time, get scammed, and burn out?"

"Hi Chris.  I'm the choir.  You can shut your straw-manny righteous pie hole any time now.  Of course I don't like Nano.  And a list of reasons experienced runners and fitness experts don't suggest marathoning without training WOULD have a lot of parallels with why experienced writers and authors don't suggest Nano without training.  I could totally do that list in my sleep.  But the horse is dead.  Maybe next year.  Or much later this month if you want to give me an additional segment.  But for now, you're just trying to get yourself off the hook for making hundreds of rabid fans send an army of ninjas at you."

He looked at me like I was brussels sprout jello.  "You know I'm your boss, right?"

I sniffed and looked up at him for the first time since he popped in.  "You're not going to fire me.  I'm the most popular writer at Writing About Writing."  I paused.  "Including you."

"Okay, but you might care about me dying.  You can't Weekend-At-Bernies me giving you a paycheck."

"Hang on," I said.  "I'm starting a new list called 50 Movie Titles That Shouldn't Be Casually Turned Into Verbs."

"Okay...I...I ORDER you to write a list comparing marathons and Nano."


Chris's eyes narrowed as he headed back for the air duct.  He pointed at me.  "Your executive parking spot is so totally revoked."

"No it's not," I said, turning back to my list.

"I hate you," Chris said as he backward-crawled into the air duct.

"I'll write you a list of reasons you don't," I said.

"Bite me," he said as he pulled the vent back into place behind him.

Of course at that point, ninjas burst in, and it was this whole thing, and they were actually about to kill me despite the fact that I had written a very salient list: "15 Reasons Killing I. Lister Wouldn't Do An Army of Ninjas Any Good."  Fortunately for me, one member of their ranks said that I wasn't even worth it, and suggested that if Chris was going around to all the guest bloggers, the next place he would go is towards the Pretentitron Lab to talk to Lt. Lambaste and the SciGuy.

I have a feeling this chapter is going to have an interesting ending.  That ninja sounded a lot like Leela Bruce.

And I told you this whole thing mostly because this whole affair impacted my writing time.  Thus, I'm going to be writing a short and sweet list for my segment today, and it might go up a little late.  I just know how corny it would sound if the only explanation I gave was "Ninjas."

And listen, don't be too hard on Chris.  Most of the reason he's banging this Nano drum is because he's seen the damage it can do.  Don't forget...until very recently, he used to BE one of those young writers he gives so much shit to.  He just knows what twenty years of wanting it really bad but ignoring all the good advice can get someone.  He knows it really, really well.  And he wants others not to have to go through that if they don't have to.

Anyway, I have to get to work on today's list.  See you soon!

And here it is....

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