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Thursday, October 11, 2012

Lt. Lambaste and the SciGuy vs. Chris Brecheen

Lt. Lambaste:  Hi everyone, I'm Lt. Lambaste, and that magnificent hunk of brain back there is The SciGuy.   I just got off the phone with Chris.  He wanted me to load up a Nanowrimo writer into the clone matrix for today's segment.  I told him that he'd really overblown his wad on that whole thing, and I wasn't going to play into his mindless vendetta.   I said something to him that once made my C.O. blush.  He tried to order me to do it or he'd fire me...he's so cute.  Anyway, I told him that I had uploaded his brain patterns and I would be cloning HIM if he didn't drop it.  He said something about needing to do it while there was still time to make a difference.  I stopped listening at that point.  I also hung up shortly after, so he'd know I wasn't listening.

And so now....stepping out of The Pretentitron...is a clone of Writing About Writing's executive writer, Chris Brecheen.

CB: Hey Lieutenant.  I'm glad to see you.  Listen, I was actually going to call you to talk about your segment. I was wondering if maybe you could clone a Nano fan and get them to talk about how they're totally novelists and...um...how did I get here?

LL: Hey SciGuy, he seems pretty self aware for one of our clones.  What's going on?

SG: Well the neural pattern overlay includes memories.  So technically this clone knows about The Pretentitron and might be putting two and two together.

CB: I'm a clone???  You mean you're going to shoot me with the Ubercannon.  I am so out of here!

LL: Only if you're pretentious.

CB: Oh dear lord!  I'm always pretentious.  I wrote like three pages last year that weren't pretentious.  And one of them was questionable.

LL: Wait, come back.  I'm supposed to interview you.  Maybe we could talk about your Facebook argument earlier today?  Or your blog...with all the imaginary guest bloggers.  Let's talk about that!

CB: Fuck that.  I'm out of here!

LL: What if I promise not to shoot you?  COME BACK!  SciGuy...initiate clone-is-escaping containment protocols.

CB:  Also you're fired.  And I'm sure the other me would think so too.

SG:  Damn it!  It's too late.  He was outside the perimeter before you finished that sentence.  I probably should have thought about what a clone might do if it knew it was a clone....destined to be killed for being pretentious.

LL: Yeah, this is not good.   I'm guessing that Chris might start to consider some of the moral and ethical implications of what we're doing here.  You know....now that we've cloned him.

SG: Maybe you just should have done the show he wanted.  Those Nano guys ARE pretty pretentious.

LL: That's not the point.

SG: Maybe you have little problem with authority?  Just like to disobey anytime there's nitrogen in the air.

LL: Shut up.

SG: Maybe that's why you aren't really a lieutenant anymore.

LL: You know I didn't fire the ubercannon.  It's still ready to rock.

SG: Whatever.

LL: Okay...just, let me handle this.  NO one mentions that there's another Chris Brecheen running around Writing About Writing.

SG: You don't think maybe people will notice?  Like you don't think maybe the two of them will run into each other down near underground parking and realize something a little weird is going on?

LL: Maybe not.  If I can keep the real Chris distracted while you use your brain to figure out how to capture the other one, it'll be okay.

SG: Like...will you give him some brain teasers or something.  Maybe some Soduku?

LL: (sighs)  No...that's how I might distract you.

SG: Well, I hope he wasn't watching today's segment, or he saw the whole thing.

LL:  Oh my god!  The cameras.  Turn them off.  Turn them--

~static~

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