Christopher Brecheen ["Head Writer"],
We the undersigned demand that you deal with the evil mystery blogger post haste if you want to continue to employ our services as guest bloggers here on Writing About Writing.
It was bad enough when you tried to raise money for SciGuy's transdimensional experiments to resurrect his dead crush by renting out the west wing of the W.A.W. compound to a grunge band so that you look (and we quote) "less pretentious and emo by comparison" has filled our days with pounding drumbeat headaches and the dulcet sounds of a cat having its tail stepped on while having sex, or when you hired a member of the race that tried to exterminate all life on earth because YOU were so prentious to be your personal assistant because "eight armed secretaries are so chic," or when you hired Michael Dukakis to be the janitor and he wouldn't stop telling people how he was robbed in '88, or when....
Well you get the idea.
And the reason we do–the reason we put up with all of this–is because of this damned fool concept that we all actually believe in writing. Somewhere down here there's a nugget of tolerance for your spectacular cavalcade of next-level bullshit because we think that giving writers the actual straight dope on writing is important. I mean sure, free room and board at the compound has been a factor, and Grendel and his mom whip up the best sloppy Joes, but you do realize that the last time we actually got paid in something other than bulk crates of cheese and coupons for half price upgrades to "Go Large" at local fast food restaurants, Dexter was still on the air.
That's why this latest bullshit has simply gone too far!
We can't keep letting these horrible mystery posts go on. They're an affront to what writing actually means. A hundred posts about how being a writer is a damned lot of work will be undone by one "confirmation" that all you need is a special pen and to visualize your dream. You can't keep letting this loser hack our signal. The Sci Guy has verified that it has to be an inside job. There are only so many suspects.
We know you have a problem with conflict, but it's time to do an internal probe (and not the fun kind). We know this means someone in Writing About Writing is leaking these posts. We also know it's none of us and that the fact that you have an EVIL TWIN BROTHER living in the basement seems to have eluded you. So we hereby demand that you begin a proper investigation and stop procrastinating and/or blaming us. If you ever want us to guest blog for you again, you better get on this.
Prudence Pointer, Sage Pointer, Justice Pointer, Sparks Pointer, and Joy Pointer
P.S.- Guy Goodman St. White is with us, but he was two drunk to sign his name by the end of our meeting.