I wrote none of these jokes, and only gathered them from around the net. Most I found in three or more places without attribution, so I figured they were pretty general. If one of them is proprietary (rather than simply viral internet jetsam) please let me know and I will attribute it, take it down, or whatever you want me to do with it.
- Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman who went into labor and began to yell, "Can't! Won't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Wouldn't Aren't!"? She was having contractions.
- How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-exist in a parallel universe, though.
- A backward poet writes inverse
- How many writers does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to endure a series of conflicts and challenges before it finally changes.
- How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Do you mean ‘change a light bulb’ or ‘have sex in a light bulb.’ Reword to remove ambiguity.
- How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery
- I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.—Fred Allen
Neither a Borrower ...............Nora Lender Bee
Holmes Does it Again ...........Scott Linyard
French Overpopulation...........Francis Crowded
Downpour! ............................Wayne Dwops
Cloning ..................................Ima Dubble
Inflammation, Please .............Arthur Itis
House Construction ...............Bill Jerome Home
Lewis Carroll ........................Alison Wonderland
Leo Tolstoy ..........................Warren Peace
The French Chef ...................Sue Flay
Why Cars Stop ......................M. T. Tank
No! ........................................Kurt Reply
Unemployed .........................Anita Job
A writer's soul was in perfect balance when she died, so she had the option of going to heaven OR hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
PUNCTUATION IS IMPORTANT!!!
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
PUNCTUATION IS IMPORTANT!!!
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
There was once a young man who professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write words the whole world will read, that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”